Thursday, February 02, 2012
Monday, November 07, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
I notice the bright blue sky and the brilliant green tree tops. There were bright red benches and stadium chairs everywhere. I saw flashes of yellow but could not put the color with an item. It's the most clear a dream has ever been for me. It feels so real. There is someone standing in front of me at a distance. I can't make out who it is but I know they are guiding me. The sun is overhead and I can feel a northern wind. It is refreshing and peaceful. I know God is in the breeze. I breath deeply. Then I am at my destination. It is a job site. The house is not finished from the outside. It is only at framing stage. I know what I’m looking for is in that house. As I walk in the house changes from new construction to an older burnt out home or dilapidated barn. There is fresh dirt where the floor should be. I can see the sun coming through the slats in the ceiling, as though it is just now dawning over the horizon. It’s dark in this building. I can see lots of flowering bulbs which are getting ready to bloom. As I step towards them excited, I notice what I was looking for. The ground has been disturbed as if something has been dug up. I consider digging anyway to see if anything is left, but I know what I was looking for has already been taken. I’m sad at first. Upset that I didn’t get there first. But then as I look at the disturbed earth I feel my care floating away. I’m more interested in the flowers yet to bloom.
I decide I can take some of them back to my home and plant them there. The earth is soft and moist and the bulbs will come up easily. But as I begin to pluck the bulbs from the earth, I can only find three. One was tall and you could tell it would replant easily. It had a full bloom ready to burst forth. Another was small and thin. It had a healthy bulb on it though, and I knew it would be iffy for this year, but if it did not bloom this year the bulb would reproduce next year with a beautiful bloom. There was a third. It’s bloom at been torn off or eaten by something. I felt the need to take it as well though. Thinking perhaps if I took good care of it, it would produce the next season. I studied the ground knowing there had been many bulbs to dig up before I had started. Now after removing those three, all I could see was grass. I was a bit disappointed, but satisfied that I gotten the three.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Let me explain. Last night, there was a push for the students to be in awe of God. That at some point we become to cool to express joy or awe for anything. I've always heard this and even taught this, but never realized how much it describes me! It just fit into this idea that God's been teaching me. So after youth, I was sitting with a friend discussing this whole life change that God has presented me with. So she says, " I know exactly what you're going through, God has been teaching me the same thing over the past year. Something I've learned is that God delights in my childishness, it's who he created ME to be." I had to let that sink in. So as I've been processing, I've been analysing all the things I don't want others to see in me.
I often laugh or smile at inappropriate times. I have always hated this! As I was thinking through it, I came to a new understanding. I smile or laugh when people are hurt emotionally, or struggling through something difficult, but not when hearing about it from others. Only when hearing it or seeing it first hand from the person themselves. I know, it sounds bad, right? But as I think about it. The reason I catch myself smiling or laughing isn't out of amusement. It's because I'm so excited I can see God working in their lives. I can see the opportunity for growth and I can't contain it! I am truly in awe of God sometimes.
I often contain the urge to randomly dance. It's just not mature... I guess I've always thought of people who do this as seeking attention. I guess God is working two things out in me through this one. One, Do not judge! And two, if I have this fear of not wanting people to think I'm seeking attention, then I'm obviously not seeking attention. So why would I not want to express my worship to God when He puts a song in my head, and a desire in my heart? The trees don't decide whether they are going to bend to the wind or not when people are watching. Why should I care?
I tend to maintain this whole mature, wise, encouraging front. Partly because it's who I want to be, and partly because I think it's what others think I am. Don't get me wrong. I have my moments. But it's just not who I am all the time. I'm childish, needy, afraid, and judgmental at times. This, is who I am most of the time. The other more admirable traits are only slight glimpses here and there. Yet I try to hold up this front, and make it the other way around, because I don't want to disappoint anyone who hasn't seen that yet.
I wish I could say, now that I realize these things, I'm going to be a different person. But, I feel this is going to be a slow process of transition. From the person I've made myself to be, back to the person God has created. It's going to be a difficult road of shedding layers I've put on myself. Am I confident I can do it? No. But I believe this is God working in me, and He can accomplish anything.